Sep 092017

He became a Moon Druid pretty much by accident, and now he travels the countryside looking to restore his karma… “Just call me The Druid.  Wait, I’m a druid, right?”

Pixies are four inches tall, love to create gardens, and generally move so fast that people don’t see them. On the other hand, fairies are six inches tall, have more magical powers, and tend to be jerks. Typically, pixies and fairies don’t get along.

Daffodil Way is a beautiful meadow between two small communities. It’s off the beaten path, and visited only occasionally by day-trippers looking for a peaceful place to picnic. What most people don’t know is that the meadow’s beauty was created by the Daffy Clan of pixies.

Last year, a nearby beaver dam broke loose, creating a beautiful small pond near Daffodil Way. With tall grass and flowers sprouting above the water in the pond, fairies of the Flint Flock took up residence. Ever since, the Daffy Clan of pixies and the Flint Flock of fairies have been fighting over the area. The fairies are stronger, but the pixies have more numbers. It’s been tense…

Enter “Hubertfordblaine Wolfenhabstraffa”

Hubertfordblaine is 52 years old. No, 51. Wait, 54? Actually, he’s not really sure how old he is. He’s a friendly, laid-back, almost hippie king of guy… you know, the kind of guy who could never hold down a job, never take on any kind of responsibility, and also never hold a grudge. He owns only two things: a hammock for relaxing in, and his favorite pipe for smoking wacky tobacky.

On one particular evening, he was walking through the forest after having a grand time drinking in a tavern. Seeing the beautiful Daffodil Way meadow, he decided to string up his hammock, eat some shrooms, smoke some wacky tobacky, and take a snooze.

As he drifted in and out of sleep (still high as a kite), the pixies and the fairies began fighting again. Because of their magical nature, most people can’t see them, but in his drug-induced enlightened state, Hubertfordblaine actually noticed the fight happening around him, and he asked them to chill out. You know, make love, not war? Surprised, they actually chilled out for a bit, and he went back to sleep.

That night, he continued to sleep, and the Daffy Clan of pixies formed their plan. Knowing it was only a matter of time before the Flint Flock of fairies wiped them out, they pooled their magic and granted Hubertfordblaine the special ability to change into ferocious animals.  He instantly became a Moon Druid – all so that he could help them fight those damn fairies. He would be their savior!

Well, when Hubertfordblaine finally woke up, he was groggy, hung-over, and still feeling the effects of the shrooms. Confused, all he could see were a bunch of tiny flying people all around shooting glitter dust rays at each other (with some of those tiny flying people exploding mid-air), and then he saw his freaky wolfen reflection staring right back at him in the pond. He freaked out so bad because he thought he was having the worst hallucinogenic trip ever! In a panic, he lashed out wildly in his new animal form and killed them all – fairies and pixies! Alas, both the Daffy Clan and Flint Flock were no more.

When he finally realized what had happened, he felt sorry for the little buggers, and decided to travel the countryside as one of those “adventurers.”

“Hey, man. I need to restore my karma. I became an adventurer because, like, adventurers help people. Right?”

Hubertfordeblaine Wolfenhabstraffa, A.K.A. “The Druid”

Chris Stevens

In Chris's opinion, the very best vices are dirt bikes, rock music, and gaming, while the very best medicine is fatherhood. If he could just learn to balance them all, he'd live forever. He's much more creative than intelligent, often wakes up belligerent, and ponders many things insignificant. Lastly, in an effort to transform his well-fed body, P90X, Roller Blades, and Food are all laughing at him. And the pain continues.

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