Drig’Drall, the Station Master – Steal this NPC

“If that freight doesn’t get loaded on time, I am going to turn you into a cow catcher!”

[Looking at his stop-watch] “They are very, very late.  Someone is getting tied to the train tracks.”

Drig’Drall’s Story

Drig’Drall was once a Barbaric Monk of a wild tribe of Goliaths from a deserted wasteland of a country.  His clan practiced a strange form of primal magic combined with rigorous mental training which turned them all into powerful fighters.  However, after a raid into the low country (populated mostly by elves, humans, and half-lings), Drig’Drall was injured.  He lost his right eye at the hands of a group of elf rangers, and one of his legs was horribly damaged.  Drig’Drall was unable to flee and was left behind by the other members of his tribe.

Drig’Drall was held by the elves for many years as a makeshift prisoner of war.  Despite having slain several elves as a member of his tribe’s raid, he was treated fairly as a prisoner, and one day, the elves decided to let him go free.  They did have a caveat: he was forbidden from returning to the land of his kinsmen – he must remain in the lowland and make his own way amongst the people which he formerly wronged.

At first, Drig’Drall found life very hard.  He was hated by most people for belonging to a race which was historically at war with the lowlands.  But, over the years, he began to adjust to his new life.

But the world wasn’t waiting for Drig’Drall to adapt, the world was changing.  New technologies began to spread across the plane and from that, new metal behemoths called “Trains” began to spread.  The first time Drig’Drall saw one of these giant steel wyrms, he was horrified and scared.  However, a kindly gnome tinkerer, who was making some repairs on the train’s engine, explained to him how the machine ran.

Drig’Drall took a liking to the Gnome and he offered to lend him a hand in his repairs, making good use of his brutish strength.  This would be Drig’Drall’s entry point into a long career working on and around the trains.  In this career, Drig’Drall’s stature and appearance would serve him well and he earned his way up through the ranks to finally take the spot of the coveted station master.

Drig’Drall Now

Drig’Drall is currently a station master.  He has earned a reputation as being an incredibly rough Goliath to deal with, which has also earned him the reputation of having the most timely station on the rail.  Nobody wants to be late when they pull into Drig’Drall’s stop.  He makes sure that all the freight is always loaded on time, and that every train that comes into his station is in its peak working condition, even if this means that he has to get out there and repair it himself.

Drig’Drall’s Appearance

Drig’Drall stands out like the proverbial sore thumb.  He is about 7’6” tall and weighs over 300 pounds.  His pale gray face is marked with traditional Goliath markings; however, his fashion, is a bit different.  He usually wears a navy blue pinstripe suit, a perfectly clean pearl colored shirt, and a large red neck-tie.  He also usually has on a round black hat, that has a striped red and blue ribbon wrapped around it.  Apart from his fairly unusual clothes, he also always wears a single iron gauntlet on his right hand, and carries a long black and gold cane (which his peons have not so lovingly started referring to as his beatin’ stick).  He carries no jewelry save a golden pocket watch, which he keeps in his jacket pocket on an extremely long, Goliath-sized, golden chain.

Drig’Drall’s Personality

Drig’Drall is a fairly difficult character to deal with.  He is very wary of dealing with strangers and usually talks in a very grouchy manner.  Although he is usually pretty grumpy, he deals fairly with patrons of the rail and provides information to travelers who are curious about the area around his station.  However, when dealing with the other station workers, he is fierce – punishing those who do not work to his standard.  He is highly disciplined, and expects everyone who works with him to share that same work ethic.

Using Drig’Drall in your Game

Drig’Drall is designed to be used for games that have some type of technological element.  I currently am using him in a homebrew Steampunk world for 4e, but you could easily use him in an Eberron game, or virtually any other game that uses trains for that matter.  I have presented him here without stats, but for the purposes of game rules, he is a mid heroic tier Goliath Monk/Barbarian Hybrid.

Drig’Drall may simply make a single appearance as the players either arrive or depart from Drig’Drall’s station.  He can be used to get information about geography or even about local commerce, politics, or current events.  If he is attacked, he fights back fiercely.  He doesn’t have any magic items or money, but his extreme barbaric monk training has honed his fighting skills into an extremely dangerous weapon.

Contest #3 – We Need Just One More NPC!

THIS CONTEST HAS NOW CLOSED

All right fellow gamers, we need just one more NPC to finish off the Your Best NPC contest.  Even though we only need one more to end the contest, I’ll take all submissions after that one until the end of the day.  Place your entry here!

  • Your NPC can be for any game or genre.
  • You must provide at least a couple of paragraphs to describe him/her.
  • Your entry will most likely be posted, and then added to the “Steal this NPC” page.
  • Judging will be done by Stuffer Shack crew (who can’t enter).

1st Place

  • Dragon Dice bag
  • Your choice of the following sets of Q-Workshop dice
  • Your choice of the two unique Horse Minis

2nd Place

  • Your choice of the remaining three sets of Q-Workshop dice
  • The remaining Horse Mini

3rd Place

  • Your choice of the remaining two sets of Q-Workshop dice

Place your entry here!

The two Horse Minis are unique (they aren’t for sale). The first is a charging warhorse, and the second is a very large horse (it’s still large-sized, just very large).

Kerocene, the Quasi-Deity – Steal this NPC

Kerocene, paladin, and the mayor of Old York, is a Half Mercury Dragon that is the grand daughter of Bahamut. She lovingly refers to our group of adventures as her idiots. Even going out of her way when they are off doing other things to call on new idiots.

When she first appeared, she was held captive by the old ruler of Old York. She was freed, fell in love with a paladin, and together they had three children – all of whom died tragically, sending her into a rage. For 500 years she plagued the material plane, spreading death and destruction as deep as the pain in her own heart. After cured of her madness, she became a paladin herself (to better pay tribute to her late husband), and went on to become the ruler of Old York.

Being a quasi-deity, she doesn’t age like normal folk, making her a rather staple ruler for the time being. It is guessed that she will continue to rule over Old York until she is next in line for deity-ism. Seeing as Tiamat and other deities haven’t found a way to destroy Bahamut, it doesn’t look like Kerocene will be going anywhere for a long time.

Braxis Midewin, Dwarf Artificer Auctioneer – Steal this NPC

Braxis owns and operates the Midewins and Friggols Magical Auction House and Artifact Emporium.  He’s a thinker, and likes to go against the normal day-to-day operations of other stores.  He decided instead of letting heroes come to him, he would bring the store to them.  Braxis created a magical device called the Auction Assistant 1000 (500 GP to buy, or DM’s price).  It is a small mechanical device that can be attached to any metal object, and for a small monthly fee (10 GP or DM’s price) it will allow the hero to magically connect to Braxis’s emporium and see what wonderful items he has for sale.  It will also allow the hero to join in on the silent auctios that he runs from time-to-time.

Braxis’s shop is located in the merchant district of Fallcrest.  The shop has been open for a few months now and is widely popular.  Braxis is looking to expand his store to other major cities as well.

Braxis was born in Hammerfast to Gravix Midewin, the greatest Dwarf Artificer ever known.  His father taught him everything he knew up until the day he died in the battle of Briar Fjord.  Unable to deal with his father’s passing, he left Hammerfast to get away from the memories of his father.  He decided to head to Fallcrest to look for work.  Knowing that he left his father’s Artificer Guild in good hands, he set off for his new life.  On the way, he had many great adventures, and one in particular would change his life forever.

While searching an old ruin, he ran across a band of orcs chasing a small goblin into the forest.  Being somewhat curious, he followed the group.  Braxis discovered the orcs had captured the goblin and had him tied up in a cage hanging from a tall tree.  He could overhear the orcs yelling at the goblin, “You make Redcaps weapons better you tinker them or we fee you so the Sand Slurper.” The poor goblins said, “Never will I use my powers tohelp you.” Braxis knew right away what the goblin meant.  The goblin was an artificer, like himself, but was still a goblin.  His dwarf gut told him to just turn and leave, but all he could think about was something his father had told him a long time ago, “Your life is not judged by the outcome of your life, but by the actions you take to get there.” Without hesitation, Braxis attacked the orcs and drove them off.  He let the poor goblin down from his cage, and without saying anything, turned to walk away.  That’s when a shy, timid voice said, “Thank you, sir.” Braxis stopped in disbelief.  Did this goblin just thank him?  He turned and stared at the goblin, and at that moment not a word was spoken, but an everlasting bond was made between the two.  Braxis grunted and motioned for the goblin to come with him.

Igglo Frixit (Goblin Artificer), or Friggol – as Braxis calls him,  and Braxis have been together ever since that fateful day in the forest.  Friggol is a master artificer trained in the Goblin ways.  They both, over the years, taught each other their respective clan’s craft, and together created many wondrous items, and had many grand adventures together.

During a typical excavation of an old ruin outside of Fallcrest, a small item was found.  The item was not like any the two had ever seen before.  It was round, made of metal, the length of a small dagger, and had several ancient runes written on it.  After several months and numerous spells later, they realized the item was of Modron creation.  The item no longer worked, but they were able to take the ancient Modron tech and reverse engineer it into what they now call the Auction Assistant 1000.

Cap’n Spivey – Steal this NPC

Captain Spirodos “Spivey” Swiftknife is currently the captain of the HMS Nightingale, a merchant marine vessel.

Many rumors surround this man. And the truth may top them all! He was once a captain in the Imperial Navy and took part in the battles against the Sea Kingdoms. He was also tried for, convicted, and exonerated of piracy and other crimes on the high seas (including firing upon the Imperial flagship and allegedly burning it to the waterline).

Officially, he is a war hero … in the minds of some, he is a seafaring opportunist.

His name of Swiftknife is fitting, as he is a quick bladesman, preferring a cutlass or dagger.

He is known for his uncanny luck in getting his ship through many of the worst battles and storms -usually while completely sodden full of rum as he bellows orders to his crew!

Whatever the truth is, he is an able seaman and skilled at getting out of almost any situation on the ocean, no matter how desperate it is. Storms and ships and commanders at sea have been bested by the cunning, resourceful and nefarious Cap’n Spivey!

Blogging Crits and Fumbles: Why have a Website?

I have a confession to make: I’ve been cheating on you.

I know, I know, you thought we were monogamous, but I have to say – I have more than one blog.  In fact, you aren’t even my first. AND, you’re not my latest. Let me explain…

Over a year ago I decided to jump onto the Adsense bandwagon.  For those of you who don’t know, Adsense is an advertising program.  You sign up for Adsense, Google puts an ad on your website, and whenever anyone clicks on that ad, you make anywhere from a few cents to a few dollars.  There’s a lot more to it than that, but that’s it in a nutshell.

Well, back then I signed up for a few subscriptions to teach me how to efficiently make money with this program.  I did my research, settled on a keyword, built my first website (a fitness website), and went to work like crazy.

Right about this time, I went on a gaming hiatus.  Because of that, I had no vent for my creative energy – so this energy started to build up, and then build up some more.  Feeling brave, I decided to start up Stuffer Shack as a way to vent that energy.    I knew that I wanted the site to be a bank of character ideas, monster ideas, adventure ideas, and so on, as well as a place for gamers to get information on gaming tools.  That’s when I came up with the name Stuffer Shack (from Shadowrun – a street corner convenience store), and added the concept of Steal This (convenience stores are made to be robbed, right?).  I’m not gonna lie – I also figured that I might make a few extra bucks on the side.

Fast-forward to a few months ago.  I set up a website for my wife so she could display her crafting and scrapbooking projects (something that she could call her own, and be proud of).  She also wants to do a bunch of crafting video tutorials (hey, those spoony, crafty chicks all do that, I guess).  I’m looking forward to  helping her with all this, as it should be fun (plus we get to spend more time together).  That website was not at all designed with money-making in mind.

So, where am I going with all this? Well, my first website was all for money.  My second website was for both money and fun, and my third website was purely for fun.  See the transition?  I’ve made both money and mistakes, and changed the reasons I still do it all.  Hence, leading into the reason for this article: Why have a website?

If you’re thinking of starting up your own website, you need to know “Why” before you do anything else.  Pick one of the following, more than one, or something else entirely.

  • I want to make money online: For most gamers, this is not the best reason for starting up a gaming blog.  It can help with the cost of running the website, but it shouldn’t be the website’s purpose.  If you want to know how to make money online, there’s a whole slew of “gurus” lined up waiting for your dollars, so that they can show you their “secret.”   On the other hand, if you have something – some product that you feel might make you a few bucks, AND you think that having a gaming website would be fun, then sure, go for it.  Also, there are a few other options on making money with a gaming blog, but they aren’t very lucrative – they may help with the cost of running a website, but they won’t make you rich.
  • I want to practice my writing: Starting up your own gaming blog is perfect for those who want to practice their writing.  You don’t have to worry about a publisher telling you that your work is not good enough, that you need to make certain changes, or giving you a deadline.  Instead, you hone your writing skills while simultaneously building up your portfolio (should you ever decide to go professional).  Not only that, but your portfolio is on the web, open for everyone to see.  If you’re neck-and-neck in the running for a particular writng position, you’ll get the job over your competition if you have a blog displaying your work (and he doesn’t).  I know of a few talented writers that have started out this way.
  • I want to display my artistic skills: This is also a perfect reason for having a gaming website (assuming that your artwork is gaming-related).  I love imagery for my games, and I frequent several artistically-oriented gaming websites.  Also, if you’re any good, people may eventually commission you for specific projects or characters.  I’ve paid for a few here and there, as (I’m sure) others have too.
  • I have knowledge to share. This is the best, and most selfless reason for starting up a gaming website.  I love the gaming community.  It’s full of dudes and dudettes willing to share their thoughts on role-playing advice, role-playing aides, game reviews, and the gaming industry.  For every article related to RPGs, all gamers get to improve their game.

Really, what I’ve learned is that I can’t blog for money.  I started out that way, but I’ve burned out.  Yes, you CAN make money with a fitness website, a gaming website, and a scrapbooking website.  But I don’t want to do it anymore.  That takes too much work, work that I would rather spend towards something that I enjoy.  I have a job that pays the bills.  While the extra money is nice, I’m not going to work extra hard to get it.  Making a few bucks here and there is cool, but I’m not going to worry about it – nor should you.

So, I have to break up with my fitness website – you’re simply too high-maintenance.  I’ll keep in touch and occasionally drop in, but I will no longer court you.  I know that you’re going to keep giving me a little bit of money for a while – bribing me, but I’m not going to take you back.  As for my wife’s scrapbooking website, that is all for her enjoyment, and we’ll have affiliate Amazon links for tools and supplies that she likes (in case her readers want to get that stuff).  Stuffer Shack will also have affiliate links for any products we talk about, as well as continue to sell cool and useful stuff (like the Horse Minis, Mini Counters, etc.).  What we won’t be doing anymore (for any site) is hardcore marketing and promotion.   We don’t enjoy it, and I don’t want to dread turning on my computer.

In conclusion…

In my opinion, making money should not be the sole reason for starting up a gaming website.  It takes a lot of work, and the payout is far lower than other niches.  I’d say that less than 1% of gaming blogs bring in more than a few hundred dollars a month (and they really work for it).  That’s not to say that you can’t make money with a gaming website; it’s just not going to be very much.  It’s much better to start up a gaming website because you have something to add to the gaming community – perhaps gamemastering tips, player aides, gaming tools, insight into the industry, or even game session recaps.  If you make a few extra bucks from it, cool.  Just don’t make that your site’s purpose.

Once you figure out exactly why you’re starting or keeping a gaming blog, it becomes easier to steer your site in that direction, obviously.   Your site should have a purpose that thrills you, should be a force that drives you, and should be a place you can call home.  You should never feel like it’s work.  If it does, you need to refocus.  I like Stuffer Shack.  Not because I make a few bucks from it, but because it’s just plain fun.  It’s fun to write, fun to create, and fun to make friends.  Stuffer Shack is not work, nor should your site be.

Thanks for reading.

Favorite Site of the Month – Dec/2010

“Campaign Mastery helps tabletop RPG game masters knock their players’ socks off by showing GMs how to run exceptional campaigns. Through tips, how-to articles, and GMing tricks posted each week, we teach you how to build memorable campaigns from start to finish.”

This statement from Campaign Mastery couldn’t be more true.  Johnn Four and Mike Bourke are two veteran gamers who consistently put out articles, tips, and resources to help GMs of all experience.  Johnn also has a Roleplaying Tips newsletter, so check that out too.

Visit Campaign Mastery, and prepare to become a better GM.

Castle Terrain… Just Cool

About two years ago I downloaded the E-Z DUNGEONS: Borderland Keep, then proceeded to make one of the best ever 3d battle map terrain sets of my underpaid DMing career.

Of course, after all was said and done, the castle crumbled to pieces due to a raging gargantuan Terrasque… (or, a sneaky 3 year-old who took the entire set under the dining room table for some good old fashioned monster crushing).  Whichever.

Castle… gone… for good…

However, the other day I was cleaning up one of my email accounts…

  • 350+ unopened emails
  • 350+ unopened spam

…when I came across these pics.  They were taken by a player in the game when the castle was used.  Yippee!  This particular battle was cool because the players planned it out with about 100 NPC allies to help them (some quick mass-combat rules made this easy).  This was one of my favorite battles that I’ve ever run, simply because we were able to utilize inner and outer castle walls, gates, portcullises, towers, crenelations, elevated crossbowmen, and hordes.  The whole thing was dynamic, and just plain cool.

Now, I still have the files for the castle set, so I can make more castle pieces again in the future.  I just need the perfect adventure.

Click to make ’em bigger:

If you ever make something like this, expect to use a fair amount of printer ink (set it to economy quick print), and make sure you have a decently-sized play area.  Right now the Borderland Keep is 50% off ($5.50), though I don’t know if it’s a sale or permanent.  *Scratch that* – It was a sale.

Sayin FUN to your Players

This is not the first article to be written on this subject, nor will it be the last.

In my experience, there are two kinds of DM’s.

One is concerned with “balance,” the other with “fun.”

For the record, this is not me complaining that I was never allowed to try my crazy idea for a half-orc fighter/barbarian with a spiked chain, and massively exploit the attack of opportunity rules. (Author’s note: I never actually saw the appeal in anything that full of cheese, though I gather it was popular with a certain brand of player. I was, however, sorely tempted to try a half-orc wizard, just to go against the grain.)

This is, however, the result of being long exhausted with being told ‘no’ by several DMs for no better reason than, “it isn’t in the book,” or, “Company X didn’t update that one, so it’s not allowed at my table.”

Let me illustrate my point with a story.

I’ve been invited to play in a game of Pathfinder or two. The system isn’t my favorite, but I have some small nostalgia for 3.5 edition as it was what started me off in D&D, so I went for a couple of one-shots and tried to like it. I wrestled with the character creation process for far too long, developing two concepts that I felt I could live with.

The problem was, by this point, I’d been exposed to a lengthy conversation in which one of the other players tried to explain to me why he prefers Pathfinder to 4th Edition in a failed attempt to “convert” me, and vice-versa. The more he said what he liked about the one over the other, the less likable it seemed. Building the character wasn’t fun. The concept was full of cheese. I wasn’t looking forward to the game anymore.

Finally, I threw up my hands. In an effort to salvage my chance to have fun for the evening, I went to the DM for the session and explained my position very politely; that there was really only one class that I wanted to play, and it was from a 3.5 book. I was perfectly happy to convert it using Paizo’s official 3.5 to Pathfinder conversion guide, and the work required would be minimal (it basically came down to raising the hit-die by one to match precedent with the core classes).

Were I the DM for the game, I hope I would have answered with what I believe is the correct response to something like this. “I’ll let you try it, and if it creates a problem for anyone at the table we’ll talk about it afterward and see what we can change to make it work.”

Instead, I was given a sneer, a half laugh, and told that there was “a reason” that Paizo hadn’t updated that particular class. A flat no.

The fact that they didn’t OWN it occurred to me immediately; that was why there were conversion rules, after all. It didn’t matter.

It was at this point that I gave up, and decided that I’d rather not play at his table. Maybe that was the wrong answer; I don’t know. But I wasn’t having fun anymore. I came to play a game; to have fun. Nothing about this experience was enjoyable. I was momentarily tempted to give up D&D entirely, to say nothing of Pathfinder. What is a game if it isn’t fun?

I’ll answer for you, gentle readers; it’s work. And unpaid work, on top of that.

For the record, I’ve recovered my love of the game now, though it will take a lot of placating and outright bribery to convince me to sit down at a Pathfinder table again – and never with that DM!

Now, let me tell a second story, just to make it clear what I’m not trying to say.

I was DMing a game of 3.5 edition D&D a few years ago, and one of the players showed up and informed me that his character was a 3rd Level Blood Elf Fighter who Dual Wielded Katanas.

At this point in my life, I had no idea what a “Blood Elf” was, but considering how much material for the game I’d fairly devoured, I was reasonably sure it wasn’t D&D. I also knew enough to know that dual wielding katanas was a really, REALLY bad idea in terms of game mechanics. I tried, gently, to dissuade him.

He insisted; I relented (against my better judgement). He got himself into a fight – a very angry one – with our 1st level dwarven wizard, who, after winning initiative, ended things with one spell. Knocked him out, tied him up, and sat on his head.

The game fell apart after that, and I suspect that it might have lasted longer if I’d been smart enough to put my foot down and say no in the first place.

As a DM, there is a time for yes, and a time for no. Knowing which is which can be all important. Everyone has guidelines. These are mine.

1. If a player asks to play a character of a class that I’m not familiar with – and it’s because he thought the concept sounded cool, not a mechanical reason – and there’s no philosophical reason why it can’t be made to work in a diverse and accepting group of adventurers …

I’ll say, “let’s try it out. If it turns out to be too powerful and it’s spoiling the fun for the rest of the group, we’ll talk about it afterward and see if we can fix it. But whatever I say during that discussion is the final word.”

This also applies if a player asks to convert something from a mechanically similar game system.

2. If a player asks me if he can play a half-orc spiked chain wielder or a greatsword guy with sneak attack or a Barbarian/Rogue or any number of other cheesy ideas and cites purely mechanical reasons for wanting to do so, I will say, “no. Come up with something that has a backstory and a little more character, and stop reading the Character Optimization threads online.”

3. If a player likes the fluff of one class and the mechanics of another and can’t choose, I’ll offer to let her combine them, adjusting key abilities as necessary. And I’ll probably go so far as to tell her how cool that is for thinking outside the book.

4. If I EVER hear the phrase, “dual katana’s” again, I will say, “NO. At least have the decency to get a wakizashi, and learn about samurai before you mention the word “katana” in my presence again.”

One final word: you needn’t give your players everything they ask for. But try to know when they’re already struggling to have fun, and work with them. Please. They’ll thank you for it.

Con Games 1: Shadowrun

Note: A few years ago, I went to a gaming convention somewhere in Connecticut with my dear friend Dave, and had the opportunity to play a few games I’d never played before, which is why conventions exist. If you go to a convention and only play inside your comfort zone, you are totally missing out.

In the Shadowrun game, I played Samson, an enormous rock-headed troll who was about 90% metal and carried a large pistol, a large rifle, and something called a laser crescent axe, which sounded delightfully vicious. The rest of the group was Andy, a dwarf who liked shooting people and fixing stuff; Francis, an orc thug who liked shooting people and breaking stuff (especially when people called him “Frank”); Lee Chan, an elf punch n’ kick specialist; and Bobby, a zip-zowie-bang spellcaster.

First, the setup: We were involved in a scheme both lengthy and complicated, which included such things as the mean old company Wolfur & Sons, some doctor named Johnson, a stolen serum we had to recover, and a happy little business called Stubbs Medical Corporation who conducted research, explored scientific boundaries, and dabbled in human experimentation. Most of the folks there were just your average work-a-day data entry clerks and secretaries, and for some reason, that meant we couldn’t drive through the front door and fire high-caliber, explosive-shelled, glaser mega-rounds into everything that so much as winked in our direction.

So that night, a-sneakin’ we did go, through the first floor, then down some stairs to the basement, bonking the heads and tasering the dreams of the minimum wage security guards we met. Easy beans. We went down an elevator to the sub-basement, where we found the desired serum being injected into a sallow-faced street girl. We got the girl, and then everything went splat. Or more accurately, budda-budda-budda-budda, as a pair of nasty looking swivel machine guns popped out of the walls and started stitching new and exciting patterns through our brave group. Our clever computer girl went offline permanently, and our brave leader was reduced to grated cheese just after ba-banging one of the machine guns with a grenade. And here came some guards from the elevator, a trio of unhappy looking fellows, orc, troll, and human.

(COMMENCE PLAY): So began the firefight in the research bay, as Lee Chan hai-yahhed into combat, firing her gun and slashing with her mono blade, Andy the dwarf and Francis the orc engaged a little more cautiously, and Bobby the mage cast a few spells and nearly fainted from all the excitement. As only a true rock-headed troll can, I grabbed the barrel of the remaining swivel-gun and directed it at those party-pooping guards, but it refused to fire, so I tore it out of the wall. Shortly, the three guards were dispatched and we were discussing options on how to get the heck out of the building.

Air ventilation shaft? Nah, not big enough for the big-as-a-nightmare troll. Climb up the elevator shaft? Ride the elevator? Ride on top of the elevator? Form a barbershop quintet and tour the country? All excellent suggestions, but after exhaustive discussion, we settled on Francis the orc riding atop the elevator with Serum Girl, while the rest of us rode inside the elevator, humming along to “The Girl from Ipa Nima.” It was quite soothing.

In the basement we discovered our remaining team member sporting the latest in large bullet holes through various body parts. He had gone down fighting, polishing off the guards who surprised him there, but not in any shape to attend our after-mission party. Francis went into the security office and found a bank of monitors displaying all corners of the building, including the corners upstairs on the ground floor. This was how he spotted the armed guard hiding up there, waiting for us to come up the stairs so he could leap out and shout, “Surprise!” Instead of playing along, I tossed a concussion grenade into his immediate vicinity, and completely ruined his day. No, it didn’t kill him, but it made him very sad. We took him hostage and introduced him to Serum Girl, and the two hit it off famously.

Andy called up our ride outside, an excitable fellow with a name like Transit or Ransom (Transom?), and found out that he had been set upon by a couple vans as he waited outside to pick us up. Currently he was tearing all over town with the two vans pursuing, trying to keep close to the building while avoiding getting his body riddled with bullets and his sweet ride all dinged and scratched.

“How do you want me to come in?” Transom asked.

“Straight through the front glass,” Andy said. So that’s what driver-boy did.

CRRRASSSHHHHHHHHH! went the front of the building, and Transom skidded around in a tight circle and the side door slid open. We were in, and then we were gone.

We returned to our safe house where we dumped our prisoner and considered our situation. Dr. Johnson told us to meet him with the serum (now in girl form, with Retsin!) at Pier 17. We’d pile onto his yacht and all leave together for a new and better life, a life where the food is sweet, the drink is plentiful, the cartoon birds land on your shoulders, and nobody ever shoots you in the eye. Sounds great, except hardly any of us had been born the day before, so we made other plans.

We placed Serum Girl in Transom’s handy hands, and, after loading up on My-Tee Kill-Deth weapons and ammo, we secured our very own set of wheels, a large and muscular Humvee, and drove to the pier. It was located in the middle of a dreadfully run-down wharf, with abandoned warehouses, twisted chain link fences, and not the slightest sign of cartoon shoulder birds. Down at the end of Pier 17, we could see a town car idling beside a big old boat, and figured this must be the place.

Francis the orc exited the Humvee early and scampered towards one of the warehouses, and Lee Chan hopped out right after that, running around the other way. Andy the dwarf, Bobby the mage, and trolled-out me kept riding.

We all heard the gunfire from inside Francis’ warehouse, and I suggested to Andy the dwarf that he encourage the town car off the pier and into the water. Of course, I said it more like, “You smash, make boom,” so he did, stomping on the accelerator and roaring towards the town car. Two fellows who were definitely not Dr. Johnson dove out right before we hit, and the battle was joined.

I burst from the side of the Humvee and buried my axe into the side of an elf, who responded by blowing off most of my face with a pistol that fired a silent storm of razors. Yee-ouch! We exchanged blows for a while, me consistently missing, him consistently hitting me in the head area. Andy the dwarf and Bobby the mage tangled with the other guy, another spellcaster, who wanted to do something really nasty but couldn’t because Francis in the warehouse had found a sniper rifle and evaporated most of the spellcaster’s head. Lucky for me, the rest of the team shot, blasted, and slashed the elf before he was able to fatally razor me.

Lee Chan and Andy the dwarf examined the boat and discovered a trip-wire by tripping over it, and it blew in a massive explosion that nearly killed them, so we decided it was time to leave. There was a little bit of wrap-up and explanation, but suffice to say that we were

  • double-crossed
  • didn’t have the serum
  • there was no Dr. Johnson
  • and most of my face was missing

But, the street girl wanted to join our group. So, it wasn’t a total loss.

Part 2 is here.